"The Moment the Chi Became Stuck in My Body"
Art by MWolfe
Art by MWolfe
I'm about to post a secret of mine. I think a total of 3 people in the world know this, but that may be an exaggeration. I did try to tell a few doctors, but they wouldn't listen. It didn't compute in their minds, so they deleted it. Thus they don't count. Which seems fair, since I didn't count to them.
The secret is about my body. Or to be precise, one half of my body. Now you're trying to guess: did a magi saw him in half at the waist or did a samurai slice him down the center, metaphorically speaking? I'm getting to that, but first ....
Did you know that when Dervishes turn, they hope to have a full mystical experience in which the energy of God will flow through their body and allow them to spiritually ascend into heaven? (This is a simplification, but it will do). As they turn, these heretical Sufis hold their right palm up and their left palm down so that the breath of God can enter the right hand, pass through the body, then exit the left to the ground. God's energy must be grounded or it will mess you up. The human vessel is too frail. Obviously.
The secret is about my body. Or to be precise, one half of my body. Now you're trying to guess: did a magi saw him in half at the waist or did a samurai slice him down the center, metaphorically speaking? I'm getting to that, but first ....
Did you know that when Dervishes turn, they hope to have a full mystical experience in which the energy of God will flow through their body and allow them to spiritually ascend into heaven? (This is a simplification, but it will do). As they turn, these heretical Sufis hold their right palm up and their left palm down so that the breath of God can enter the right hand, pass through the body, then exit the left to the ground. God's energy must be grounded or it will mess you up. The human vessel is too frail. Obviously.
My Inner Whirling Dervish Turns
Art by MWolfe
Art by MWolfe
In eastern Asia, they speak of a similar energy as Chi (or Qi). This is the universal energy which connects EVERYTHING in the universe.
Now you know where this is heading.
It all happened nearly 7 years ago. My life was a mess. Everything was going wrong. And, I knew it was about to get worse. Much worse. In the end, it became the worst period of my life -- and even though that nightmare ended 2 1/2 years ago, I am still trying to recover.
But back to seven years ago.
I was lying on the floor listening to music and meditating -- mystically. I was trying for a transcendental experience. I had felt that energy before. I knew from experience what Chi feels like. I was seeking God. On the floor. BOTH Palms up.
Yes.
If you've ever had a healthy jolt of electricity -- it felt similar to that, though with less of a flux or quiver feeling but stronger, like a hornet. Boom! The jolt went in. Through the right palm. Up the arm. And then -- it went no where.
But I thought nothing of it at the time. I didn't do the math, didn't seek a balance to the equation. I was even disappointed that no visions or ideas had come with the jolt.
Later, in the middle of the night, I woke up feeling as though my hand were on fire. I nursed it the rest of the night, holding it in my left hand as though it were truly wounded. But there were no visible marks.
As the sun rose, the pain changed from a burning sensation to a feeling of a knife cutting up my hand from the inside. It took days for this pain to ease up. I wore a splint to immobilize it, thinking the tendons had been damaged -- even though there was no reason for such an injury. Then, as the pain passed, it was replaced with tremors. I've had those tremors ever since and, to answer the question at last, eventually the entire right side of my body felt completely out of whack.
After visiting a series of Doctors, who refused to listen, the conclusion was I had PD. Parkinsons Disease.
As I first cared for, then grieved for each of my dying parents, I didn't really have the time to "deal with the diagnosis" much. What does that even mean, to deal with the diagnosis of a disease that will slowly rib you of your physical abilities -- and in the end, maybe your mind as well? I can't answer that. But certainly I am grieving over that as well.
And, in fact, it never really occurred to me that stuck Chi might be the cause. Or at least the first domino to fall. And yet, there have been a very few people who have argued, without knowing the story of the stuck Chi, that my disease is truly a Dis-ease. A mind/body issue. A matter of something other than a physiological problem. Or At least something in conjunction with the physical one.
Do I really have PD? I don't know. In a reality that is nothing but electrical energy, in which everything that we think "exists" is merely an illusion, what does it mean to say I have any disease? Or worse, to begin to identify ourselves with a disease?
Many years ago, I promised myself that, if I were ever presented with a rotten diagnosis of some sort, I would do everything I could to fight based on the notion that reality is not real. But when I made that pledge, I never dreamed that such a diagnosis would be the least of my troubles. (The deaths of my parents were but a half of the personal issues I had to deal with then).
Now, things have cleared some, and I have genuinely started fighting. Everything from art to meditation is getting aimed at this diagnosis, at the right-side problems. I have no idea what to expect. But, as some of you have witnessed the past three months, it is the grandest, hardest, and meanest fight I have ever put up.
And so, we will see what happens.
Portrait of the artist outrunning Hurricane Arthur in Canada, Summer 2014
Selfie, MWolfe
Selfie, MWolfe